


The Walls That Lie Between Us

by samuletkeeper



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Coda, Established Relationship, F/M, POV Mary Winchester, Relationship Discussions
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-02-10
Updated: 2019-02-10
Packaged: 2019-10-25 10:12:33
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,528
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17723228
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/samuletkeeper/pseuds/samuletkeeper
Summary: John and Mary have a talk about what happened during the time they were apart and the consequences of their decisions.





	The Walls That Lie Between Us

**Author's Note:**

> I wrote a S14E13 coda, on how the talk between Mary and John would be.  
> The title of the song is from the Chemicals Between Us by Bush (one of my favorite songs) that I was listening on repeat while writing the fic.

John and I entered my bedroom. The boys had left to get some groceries for the dinner and we decided to catch up on lost time. John looked around the room, seeing all the weapons and lore books on the shelves. He squinted his eyes as trying to taking in the place and seeing clues about a side of me he never seen before when we were together decades ago.

To John, I was just a small town girl who left everything behind to marry him and have a family with. The only memories he had of me were mostly of me being his girlfriend, then his wife and mother. 

John saw at the bedside table a photo of us and the boys when they were little and his journal. He sat on the bed, took the photo and looked at it for a few minutes, remembering of a time that no longer existed. There was a melancholy in his eyes and I knew why. A lot of things had changed since when and the family on that photo belonged to a very distant past.

I sat beside him and we held hands. There were so many things to be said between us, but we didn’t know where to start or how to say it. We were happy to see each other, but the air was filled of longing and apprehension. 

I looked at him and whispered:

“Why, John?” I knew what his answer would be, but I needed to hear from him.

He sighed. He knew what I was talking about…he didn’t even looked me in the eye, he just couldn’t.

“I read your journal. I saw how you raised our sons. I saw what you became.”

John stayed silent, like trying to find the words to explain himself. He lifted his head and finally looked at me. His eyes were sad and watery, like he was fighting the tears.

“You died, Mary.” He said, his voice faltering. “You were gone all of sudden and the life as I knew died with you in that fire. I was alone with two small boys and I didn’t know what to do. I was lost and alone. No one understood what happened and they didn’t know how to help me or the boys. We missed you so much.”

I held his hand tighter.

“The only way I found to cope with my…our loss…and to prevent me from losing my mind was looking for the thing that killed you to avenge your death. I know it became an obsession, but it was all I had to keep going.”

“No, John…it wasn’t. You had Dean and Sam. You were all they had. They needed you to keep going and you weren’t there for them like you supposed to.”  
“I’ve never wanted that life for them, Mary. But I didn’t see any other way. I saw true evil. The world was more dangerous than I thought. I needed to prepare them for what was out there.”

“I’ve never wanted that life for neither of you. That’s why I left all behind after my parents died.”

“What do you mean by that, Mary?

Now I was the one who couldn’t look at John. Instead I looked at the weapons and lore books John saw earlier, hoping he would know what I was talking about.

“I was raised as hunter too. My parents were hunters. Hunting has been in my family for generations. I didn’t have a childhood, let alone a normal one. I didn’t go to college like everyone else my age went. The first time I felt normal was when I fell in love with you. That’s when I knew I had to get away from that life.”

“Why you didn’t tell me, Mary? Why weren’t you honest with me?” John sounded betrayed.

“I guess I didn’t wanna lose you, lose what we had. I didn’t want you or the boys looking over your shoulders like I did. I wanted you to feel safe.”

“Did you ever consider that if you had told me the truth about who you really were we could’ve been prepared and prevented you from being killed by that demon?”

“You couldn’t John. My death was my own fault. There was nothing you or anyone else could’ve done to keep it from happening.”

John let go of my hand instantly and I felt like I had lost the only thing that kept me from falling apart.

“I…I…made a pact…with Azazel. He had killed you and used that to get what he wanted. He knew I wouldn’t bear to lose you. 

John got up and started pacing around the bedroom. He went from betrayed to angry. He clenched his fists so hard I thought he would crash the whole bedroom. To be honest, I preferred he had done that. 

“Everything that happened to us…to Dean and Sam…what Sam was destined to become…you were responsible?” It sounded more like an accusation than a question.

“I didn’t know Azazel would come after Sam. I let my guard down and I shouldn’t have, I know that now. I also know isn’t an excuse…my past caught up to me and Dean, Sam and you paid a high price for it. I’m so sorry, John. There isn’t a day where I don’t beat myself up for what I did and the consequences of my actions that affected all of you. But I’m not the only one to blame here.”

John stopped pacing around and looked at me, scared. He knew where I was going with this.

“I found out about all the times you left Dean and Sam alone for days in cheap motel rooms to go out hunting. What if something happened to you? And about the times you got so drunk you passed out or got mad at them, especially at Dean. Dean…my God, John. You threw at him the responsibility to take care of Sam. That responsibility was yours! Dean was just a child having to raise another child because you were too busy hunting! What if you got hurt or worse…killed…in one of those hunts? Did you never think about what would happen to our sons?”

“You kicked out Sam when he decided to go to college! That’s not what parents do when their son is accepted at one of the best colleges in the country, John! He wanted to have a normal life, why were you so against it?”

“I told you why, Mary…”

“And I heard you, John. I get we don’t think straight when consumed by grief and loss. But you didn’t give our sons a choice. You just forced them into that life.”

John sat down in the bed again…this time at the opposite side of the bed, with his back turned against me. He looked tired and defeated. So do I. I looked at our old family photo at the bedside table. The John and the Mary on that photo were long gone now. 

“I don’t know what more I could say, Mary.”

“Me neither. We both have plenty of guilt to throw around.”

“Yeah.”

John turned around and reached for my hand. I was hesitant at returning the gesture. He just stayed there, waiting. I sighed and reached for his hand too. What was only a gesture of connection and love was now one of regret. We were trying to hold on to each other because – in that moment – each other were all we had to keep us from falling apart.

We knew we loved each other, but we weren’t the same. It was like we were two strangers. There were so many secrets and hurt between us now. It would probably take some time for us to forgive each other and even more to forgive ourselves. But we didn’t have that time now. Soon, John would be gone. 

We heard the heavy steel door of the bunker being opened and closed. Dean and Sam were back from their supply run.

“We have to come back” – I said.

“Yeah…what we do now?”

“We give our boys the family reunion they need and deserve. We own them that much.”

“Yeah, we do.”

\---00---

Our family dinner was awkward at first. None of us said a word. John and I thought Dean and Sam noticed something was wrong even though we were trying to pretend everything was fine.

John finally started the conversation and everything flowed from there. We talked, made jokes and laughed. In that moment, we were just a normal family having dinner and enjoying each other’s company.

When the time for John to come back to his timeline came, we hugged each other and shed the tears both of us were holding since our conversation. Despite everything that happened between us before the dinner, it was hard to lose each other again. As I saw John fading away, he smiled at me. Only John and I knew what was truly behind that smile. His hand disappeared between mine and all that was left was a cold loneliness.


End file.
